I was on blog duty this week (I, as in Kelly) and after spending 48 hours trying to word vomit something onto a page, I was prepared to give up entirely. Total writer’s block. Normally my brain is moving 1,000 miles per minute, but things have been pretty smooth lately. I’ve been happy just livin’ my life. So what is there to really write about? As I sat with this thought, I began to reflect on how wonderful it is that I finally feel like I am on the right path and life feels easy for once.
If you’ve kept up with our YouTube videos, you’d know this past year has been a tough one for me. In January, it felt like I had lost everything—my relationship, my health, my job, my future career plans, a move away from somewhere I loved. I was completely lost, even if I didn’t want to admit it then. I was in a bad place for months and I couldn’t find my way back to myself. Honestly, I think subconsciously I didn’t want to go back to the person I was—someone who was scared, insecure, and uncertain. But I didn't know if I could be anyone else. What it even meant to try.
After a couple months of feeling stuck under this rain cloud, I finally had the breakdown that can only result from months of repressed feelings. I was sick of feeling helpless and I was tired of not believing in myself. I wanted so much more out of my life and out of myself. Leaning further into MCREY, I realized I wanted to become more of the bold, confident and generous woman I had always dreamt of being. A woman that has the courage to be her most authentic self and lift others up to do the same. But where do I even start?
Who would know how to start? Luckily, a beloved friend is a life coach and I signed up to do a program with her. Already on the way to success! I then ordered several books and dove into podcasts to help me get started and so our deep dive into healing begins.
I made the intention to work diligently on myself every. single. day. For the first month, it was exhausting and hard. My habits on how to feel, think and act were embedded deep into my existence; and then suddenly, I was trying to undo all of that conditioning to become something different. And by different, I mean more of my authentic self—and that wasn’t easy (surprisingly). Even though I was once completely submerged in the psych world, I had no idea how mentally exhausting it would be to heal past wounds and traumas. I had to take days off to rest in bed and give my brain a break.
I had to actively recognize when I wasn’t putting up a necessary boundary, or when I was giving to someone out of obligation, not because I wanted to. When negative emotions came up, I had to actively sit with them and understand on a deeper level why they were coming up for me and accept those emotions for what they were, not fight them. I was actively reflecting on my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors every day. Now do you see why I was so exhausted?
I’m not trying to scare anyone out of striving for self-growth and healing, but I think it is important for me to be transparent about the work. It’s not easy at first, at least it wasn’t for me. Painful memories would come up that I needed to heal in order to change my thoughts and habits. But after a few weeks of practicing this hard work, it started to feel natural. I began craving my new routine and accepting my vulnerability, which allowed me to propel even further into my self-growth. After a couple months, it was no longer work, but habit. I wanted to learn more about healing. Working on myself led me to gain more understanding of others and why humans are the way they are. I started to love myself and others the way I always wanted to; without attachment but with an open heart.
Now, several months later and almost at the end of 2021, I feel liberated and invigorated. I am relieved and proud that I didn’t give up, but continued through the process. I’m finally in a place where I feel more self-assured than I ever have and I can give to others without giving so much of myself. I can set healthy boundaries and give myself whatever I need which has led me to find a whole new self-respect. My daily habits feed my soul and I make time for them every day. Though triggers and negative thoughts still come up, I face them with understanding and compassion and I am confident that as tough times come ahead, I will be able to handle them with much more grace and understanding.
I feel like I am at last embodying the woman I have always dreamt of becoming and I no longer feel disappointment or anger at the girl I once was. She is every bit a part of me as my present and future self and when her insecurities come up, I just send love her way and reassure her 'we got this.'
So after almost an entire year of hard work and transformation, I am so grateful to be in a place of inner peace. Even if it means I don’t have a lot going on so I don’t have much to write about at the moment, it feels like a gift to be able to say that. To be happy just to wake up every morning and enjoy the day for what it is, and I hope you find the same peace today as well. :)